Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Olive

I do know that was not the best blog post earlier today.  I was postponing the inevitable, but the more I thought about it, the more I thought there was no way to combine a post about my high-on-the-mountain-top experience at Squam with the painful experience on coming home. I'm going to just get it out now and then concentrate on giving you my experience at Squam in a day or two.

About two hours after we returned to the farm on Sunday night, my precious Olive died.  I have cried more than I thought possible for an animal.  It feels especially heavy because it is due to my negligence that she's gone.  She had done a stellar job raising a set of twin lambs, so I can only assume that she was a heavy milker. She had gotten quite thin and I debated on pulling the lambs off before our trip, but decided it would only make things more complicated around here while we were gone.  I opted to wait until we were back from New England.  As we left the Cincinnati airport parking lot and headed toward home, I received a text from our farm sitter saying #1016 was acting very lethargic and not eating.  At first, I didn't even realize that it was Olive because I never even look at her number. She had done what she could to make Olive comfortable, even calling another veterinarian for advice.  When we got to the farm, we went straight to the barn and found Olive very weak, lying in front of the fan.  I gave her a dose of a nutritional drench and tried to coax her to eat and drink, to no avail.  And then, just like that, she was gone.  I still can hardly believe it.  I don't know if the heat from that day stressed her or if something else was going on.  We decided not to take her to the diagnostic lab for necropsy, so we will never know.  In any case, the end result is the same.  She is gone.

As we always do, when we have a rare trip away from the farm together, Mike and I spend a lot of time talking about how complicated our lives are and if we should be trying harder to simplify things by not having so many animals, a smaller garden, a smaller farm, just less to take care of in general, etc., etc.  Frankly, there are times when we both feel overwhelmed and it's nearly always in the springtime when everything is more labor intensive.  We spend most weekends working away trying to keep everyone and everything healthy and feeling like we are just not doing enough. This sad event has caused us to begin that discussion again. Right now, I'm specifically feeling like a failure as a shepherd.  It's very hard for me to lose an animal, though I think after all these years of raising sheep I can be fairly pragmatic about the cycle of life and death on the farm, but losing one that I've bottle raised and grown so attached to feels too painful. So, lots of soul searching going on here.

I promise the next post will be all about how wonderful Squam was and it will make you all want to start saving your money so you can go next year.

21 comments:

  1. So sorry about your loss. It's hard sometimes. We are having those same talks about our farm too.

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  2. Dianne,
    My heartfelt sympathy in your loss. These 4 legged creatures become such a big part of us. The loss feels unbearable at times.
    I am thinking of you.
    Kim

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  3. OH.... I am so sorry! Olive was such a special girl and I am sorry she is no longer here. She will live on through her stories though......

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  4. so sorry to hear the sad news. We grow so attached to our animals which ever ones they are. Time will pass and only the good memories will remain ;) she was such a cutie.
    Thinking of you..........

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  5. I am truly SO sorry. My heart is breaking for you .... You are in my thoughts ....
    Little Olive certainly brought much Joy to everyone and will be sorely missed.

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  6. Dianne-so sorry love that you lost Olive! My heart goes out to you.
    xoxo

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  7. I am so sorry. I can completely relate to this post. All I can offer you is a virtual hug and knowledge that I understand where you are right now because I am right there with you. Given the drought we are experiencing on top of everything else, I too have been doing a lot of soul searching.

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  8. We're damned (to hard work and heartache) if we do and damned (to a shallow and lonelier life) if we don't. Every time I go through a heartache like yours I am certain that having animals in my life is not worth the pain - but can't imagine life without them! (((Hugs))) and understanding....

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  9. I'm so sorry that you had to experience such sadness after a well deserved break. Poor old Olive - heartbreaking - and I understand the loss that comes when we lose an animal dear to us. It is devastating.

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  10. These animals that come into our lives give us so much, and when they leave and take a part of our heart with them. That is the blessing and the curse. I feel so much for you right now, especially as you snuck a little time for your self, which you need and deserve. Sometimes, despite our best efforts things don't work out. I think it worth noting that Olive seemed to hang on for you, and left knowing you were there, hopefully with peace. Be kind to yourself. Wishing your pain eases with happier memories.

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  11. Dianne, I am just looking at your blog for the very first time and saw your news. What a sad thing to come home to.
    I really enjoyed getting to know you at Squam.
    Betsey

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  12. I'm so sorry for your loss. And I'm also sorry that you feel like a failure...because I know you're not. It's hard to know whether you could have done anything at all to change the final outcome if you had been home. I hope that the acuteness of the pain eases quickly and you can enjoy your memories of Squam. Life with animals is so very hard sometimes.

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  13. I'm so sorry for your loss. And I'm also sorry that you feel like a failure...because I know you're not. It's hard to know whether you could have done anything at all to change the final outcome if you had been home. I hope that the acuteness of the pain eases quickly and you can enjoy your memories of Squam. Life with animals is so very hard sometimes.

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  14. I'm so sorry to hear about Olive. She was so special. My heart goes out to you and your husband.

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  15. oh, that is so sad.... we too love our animals, so I understand. Found you through soulemama.

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  16. I really enjoy reading about all the animals and their antics on the many blogs pertaining to farms but when something happens to one of them I cry too. They are all so special to us. My heart goes out to you.

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  17. That really stinks, Dianne. Please know that I believe you are the best shepherdess ever, but mother nature can simply be a b____at times! Hugs....

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  18. This is my sympathy card to you. I am so sorry for your loss. Losing our four legged kids is very hurtful and hard. I totally feel for you.

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  19. Oh golly I missed seeing this one when it happened. How sad! It's hard when we second guess ourselves. I sort of blame myself for the bad case of heat stress that crashed my female llama. It's hard when we are getting ready to leave town and so much is going on. It wasn't your fault and you are not a bad shepherd...but I do understand that feeling. I hope you are doing better now...Olive was special to you I know. She waited for you to come home because she loved you. I feel really sad thinking about it. It's so hard when the special ones go on.

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  20. What a lovely, fine post, Dianne. To make meaning out of sorrow - I think that's proper mourning.
    The header photo is one of the most beautiful I've ever seen. Thank you for your work on this blog, and all manner of good things.

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