Having low expectations

(In the setting sun ...)

I seem to be dithering these days, somewhat more than usual.  I can't seem to settle on knitting, sewing, dyeing or battening down the hatches in preparation for winter.  I've knit a little (I actually finished my capelet from the Fiber Craft Studio yarn that I bought at Rhinebeck, though it still needs a good wet blocking), cut out a pattern for a knit dress, washed some linen for a tunic, brought a few pots of plants into the greenhouse to keep them growing through the winter and prepared my collection of pokeberries into a dye solution, but I just can't seem to buckle down and follow through with anything.  I think partly it's because I'm in an uncomfortable in-between place mentally.  I'm feeling, once again, that this disease is getting the upper hand. Last week, my rheumatologist decided to up my medication to something that will require me to inject myself once a week.  In some ways, I'm glad for the change in meds because the one I'm on now is causing my hair to fall out, which is not that surprising, considering it is a cancer drug.  Luckily, I have a lot of hair, but it's pretty disconcerting to see how much of it is coming out every day and I can definitely tell that I've lost a lot already. Besides some continuing issues with joint pain, one of the other side effects is that I feel so tired much of the time.  I had hoped to feel more in control at this point, but I suppose it's just another lesson in learning that control is an illusion.

On a positive note, my sheep are bringing me so much peace right now.  As difficult as it has been to reduce the size of my flock, it's wonderful to now have a whole group that are so gentle and calm.  Nearly every evening, while Aslan is eating his dinner on the outside of the fence, I take my little wooden folding stool into the field and sit down to visit with the girls.  If you follow me on Instagram, you will likely have seen a number of photos taken during my evening visitations with the sheep.  It's lovely to have one or two of them come and put their heavy heads upon my shoulder, lean gently into me and wait for scratches behind their ears or under their chins.  It's a time of meditation for me really, centering me, allowing me to slow my internal dialogue, breathe into their soft fleece and feel their solid presence. It's comforting in a way I can't really describe and a reminds me of why I chose to raise sheep all those many years ago.  I'm so grateful I have them in my life.

So, tomorrow is November.  Time to get my act together and begin thinking about having a sane and peaceful holiday season - one of low expectations and more enjoyment.  The word for this year will be simplify!

Celebrations

Last week seemed to just roll over me and it's looking as though this week might do the same.  We  had a week of such highs and lows.  We gathered family together and held a celebration of my sweet mother-in-law's 90th birthday on Sunday.  There were four generations present who wanted to honor her and show her how very much she means to all of us.  She handled it all with her customary grace and good humor and seemed pleased (though she kept saying that she never expected to still be here on this earth for so long!).

On Tuesday, my 23 year old grand-daughter moved to California and my feelings about it are very conflicted.  It's an exciting adventure for her and I'm happy that she's having the opportunity to experience it, now while she is young.  On the other hand, I am, quite selfishly, very sad that she's so far away.  In the past few years, she's become more like the daughter I'll never have and I'm going to miss having her just an hour away.  It is a comfort to be able to stay in touch easily via email, phone and texts, so I can be grateful for that.

Late in the week, my youngest son's father-in-law quite passed away quite unexpectedly, after complications from surgery.   My daughter-in-law is part of a very close-knit family and it has been very sad for all who know them.  They chose to hold a celebration of his life, rather than calling it a funeral. He left a legacy of a family who never doubted for a moment that he loved them and the service was full of fond memories they have of him.

Two celebrations of life in one week - one for someone continuing to live a long and full life and one for someone gone too soon.  It's sobering to think how tenuous our life on this earth is.  None of us know what tomorrow brings or even how many tomorrows we have left.  I know I need to practice living each day to the fullest (and fullest does not mean filling it up with busyness), to avoid dwelling on negative thoughts and to tell those I love how much they mean to me more often.  Lately, I've been getting messages from different sources (even facebook, of all places) to slow down, simplify, be present and awake in my own life.  I've thought a lot about the concept of simplifying for some time now and it often feels as though the more I yearn for it, the more elusive it becomes.  Am I alone in seeking a more simple life?  I don't think I am, but I'd be interested to hear how others feel about the idea of it.  I'd love to know if you've managed to achieve a balanced life and how you accomplished it or if, like me, you're still trying to figure it all out.